Returned to London – right into the centre, the hub of the “civilized world” – and wow, has it been a profound culture shock and a huge jolt to my peace of mind!
Life before was slow, manageable and controlled, parts of what was happening, were uncomfortable, but generally life was a no-brainer.
Well, its only been a week but I’ve been very conscious of a rush – a spike of energy, a hellish wind, from the world moving past my door – literally, as the apartment I live in is on a busy road and has a lot of pedestrian traffic along the back. Even the news seems faster and more controversial here, fashions more edgy and faces more profound, words seem to carry more weight.
As I am watching myself experience this change, strange fears raised familiar faces in my emotions – fear of the unknown (what now?) and fear of the known (can I once more live in this place I left 10 years ago?), fear of the future (what should I be doing?) and fear of things undone in the past (why am I here?).
All the usual culprits.
My friends and family shared concerns about me moving away from them, work and a community I’d become part of, into a state of flux and change. So I was partially prepared – for complexity, issues and new experiences – but hadn’t realized my old self would react to newness with such fear and dread.
Its been a sadly recurring theme of my life to move into total change more often than others – sad, because a lot is usually lost in the process, friends, comfort levels, possessions, modes of thinking and valued concepts – but that seems to be the unforgiving and exploitative nature of Change and there is also no way of avoiding it!
I think being truly alone is a strong place to stand. It tests me in ways I am weak. Stepping outside of community, away from family, especially for me who loves and actually needs to be part of a group, supporting and supported.
And out of nature – that is SOO hard!! Not only did the the grass seem really greener before, but even my route to work was a gorgeous treed lane with overhanging branches that held the sunlight – so opposite to the grimy pavement outside here!
But its only been a week. A lot of fears arise because once again, I am not sure what my purpose now is and what my next role will be. And that takes time to resolve. A couple of work opportunities are pending, as I’ve taken a step back from my role as a fulltime yoga instructor and dropped the comfortable unchallenging role I played as an administrator in a small company, to open to whatever will appear next.
To face down fear, I’ve been going into the throng, walking the streets of the city, touching that riverine current of energy that pours through all great cities but so strongly in London.
As I give myself time to relinquish the comfortable life I was living, it becomes clear that the rumblings of discomfort I have been feeling before moving, were the itchy mental rash caused by squashed and limiting thinking, which was ultimately not comfortable at all and simply had to be dealt with!
I know that now, new concepts will arise, as they have before — there is now space for incredibly creativity in what I can become, in this void I’ve created – a wonderful benefit of change I have experienced before!
Already ideas present themselves, from reading and online research, conversations with friends, and spontaneously in the Silence.
Something will arise.
In the meantime, I find old friends and familiar books a wonderful kind of support. As I open to the new, the parts of my existing self become transportable, an umbrella to shield myself in inclement situations, but they can also be folded into a corner of my heart to allow the bright clear new sunshine in!